Secret's out....I'm engaged. It's only been a little less than a month, and with the wedding a bit of a ways off, I find myself strangely drawn to thoughts that at one point seemed far off as well. From things like "I wonder what my room will be like?" to "I don't know how to cook many things" to "how am I going to pay for everything?". But yesterday I was taken by surprise by one particular thought in the midst of many. "Am I going to be a good Father?".
Whoa.
Wait a minute.
Um....Where did that come from?
I was just thinking about Tv's and weights and home decor, and now my mind has switched to fatherhood?
Maybe it's the fact that I'm trying write my talk for this upcoming sunday's life night on fatherhood, or maybe it's God's way of speaking to me in the business of my life.
You see, I never had a real father figure. I use the term real because I've had father figures, and even a father. He left when I was young and I was destined to walk this path to manhood all on my own. (I'm not even quite sure I've finished that, so prayers please!). I've turned all over, and some where in the midst of my hatred for my earthly father, I turned to poor images of what it means to be a "man" or "father". This journey has left me battled and bruised, and it wasn't until I had a conversion that God began my triage sessions, and believe me, He's still doing them.
It was my first year in college that I heard this quote by St. Francis of Assisi and somehow was moved to remember all that had happened in my life involving male role models and poor father figures. "While you are proclaiming peace with your lips, be careful to have it even more fully in your heart."
I realized that there was so much hate in my heart for my earthly father, and so much distance between my heavenly. I had never really turned to God as Father, and another Old Man with a long gray beard who was constantly telling me what a failure I had become was the last thing I needed. It was when I started saying this that He showed me who He really was.
In years and years of praying, and healing, it wasn't until this past summer that I had realized a very crucial thing: I still had not allowed God to Father me. I had made a promise in my life to never become like my earthly Father, and it was this promise that had constantly pushed me away from God as Father. It was here that God had begun to move in my heart and show me that I was afraid of letting him love me as Father, and that I had some serious doubts about His ability as Father.
Once again, foot meet mouth.
It was from here that he has constantly shown me what it means to be Father. That He is loving, and compassionate. That He will show me that path I need to be on, and give me something to live for. That He would stop at nothing to provide for me, His beloved son, and that by accepting this title of beloved son, I would be more able to enter fully into this mystery of His divine love.
So, I'm doing my best at trying to enter into this. My eyes are set on the heavenly father, and as He was perfect, so I wish to be. By calling Him Father, I not only indicate that He is the origin of everything and transcendent author, but that he is goodness and loving care for all of His children.
"Will I be a good father?" I don't know the answer to that question. But I do know this: I am one of His children, and it is in living as His child that His fatherhood will shine through any faults and failures of mine.
"I Shall be a Father to you, and you shall be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty" 2 Cor. 6:18
